To Stay or Not to Stay in a Marriage

I received this sms message from my girlfriend, Annie three months ago.

“Last nite was a horrible evening
My son was in the clinic coz his father hit him so hard on the stomach
He uses my son guitar stand to hit my son. The stand is solid wood
I wasn't home at that time
When I found out.. I told him that I'm moving out very soon n my lawyer will see him for a separations n divorce
It was bad nite!
No one will be hurt further
I may ned help from my gal frens
But now I will start packing my son first
Then I focus to start work @ABC Company
Then on weekends I will start packing bit by bit”

This is not the first time that Annie’s husband, father to their son, had hit the son. In fact, he had even tried to hit her before but she was smart to block it and threaten him on it. It was a smart move as in most cases, once a husband had laid their hands on the wife, the husband will always do that thereafter whenever he’s angry. So because the husband can’t lay his hands on her, she thinks that he is turning his anger on their son.

At that time of this sms, Annie was all ready to pack her bags. She started consulting to all her friends. Asked lawyer for advice. Even looked around for a place to stay with her son.

She told the husband that she is leaving. He pleaded with her and promised her that it will never happen again. Their son too, is forgiving; after all it’s the father.

So now it’s already three months and Annie is still living in the same house. She has cleared out a storeroom in the house and made it her room now. So now she and husband is sleeping in separate room. She is not happy but she has chosen to remain as husband and wife to the eyes of the outsiders.

Why?

We can all only ask the question. But only Annie knows why she had stay on.

I wrote this now as I just had a chat with another girlfriend, Sally. Sally also wanted to leave her husband many times already. However, in Sally’s case, it wasn’t physical abuse. It was a case of an irresponsible husband that couldn’t keep a job. Now the husband is just lazing around at home.

Sally is tried of being the responsible breadwinner of a household of 3 young children. Her husband too, pleaded with her to give him another chance. And that he will find a job within a month. But Sally has no confidence as she knew that even though he finds a job, he will not keep his job for long, like all the many times before.
In this case, Sally is very determined to leave.

Amongst us three friends, we had split opinion if Sally should stay or not to stay.

Why Stay?

Ultimately children bear the brunt of all divorces. If the divorce ends amicably then it would not affect the children so much as both parents are still on talking terms where children’s welfare are concerned.

But if the divorce ends in quarrel then the children will be affected where they’ll be caught emotionally in between two parents that they loved.

Moreover with Sally, it’s not that the husband is abusive or that they are quarrelling ever so often. Sally even admitted that they still share the same bed and continues to be intimate when the need arises.

To Sally, it is more a case of her getting angry that the husband is not doing what he should be doing! Be the breadwinner of the family. Angry and tired that she is always the one to be planning ahead for the family, to be the one to think of the future.

To stay would mean that it’s only Sally that is unhappy. To stay means that it is Sally sacrificing her own happiness for the sake of giving her children a complete family with father and mother together. Moreover, her youngest son is still young and is attach to the father.

Why Not to Stay?

Sally felt that she has given more than enough chances to the husband. She feels that he will continue to give broken promises and will continue to not take his role as the breadwinner seriously as each time she stays back after threatening to leave.

And Sally with the family has just moved in to live with her in-law to cut down the financial expenses since her in-law is staying alone. She can see that her youngest son is getting attach to the grandmother.

Sally knew that divorcing now means that the husband will not ask for any financial compensation as the husband is still financially capable of taking care of himself.

Hence, Sally feels that she should speed up the divorce now while he still has financial means to take care of himself versus when he is broke and will demand compensation from her later.

So which is the right decision?

To me, I feel that to stay or not to stay in a marriage is not for a friend to advice as her advice is only based on the situation that was told.

But in reality, only Sally knows the depth of her feelings of hurt, disappointment and unhappiness.

Only Sally knows that if she stays, can she continue to bear the burden, take the unhappiness, and be the sacrificial lamb, in return for the fulfillment of an intact family for the children?

And if she decides to not stay, is she strong enough to take up the long process of divorce filing, quarrels and maybe ugly scenes? Can she take the challenge of being a single parent to her three children, all by herself?

Sally needs to weight the pros and cons of staying or leaving. To think of the consequences of either decision.


So for Annie, 'maybe' it's a case of living with the known than the unknown.