Superwoman Wives, Lazy Husbands

I remember a posting that I did dated Sept 12, 2009, titled ‘Asian Women’s Resilience to Adversity’. There I wrote about ‘Cathy’ who had to cope with a husband that has not been working for past 8 years. And how she has then been working to support the whole family whilst the husband continues to enjoy a stress free life, just ‘lepak’ around whilst the wife is slogging away.

And since then, over the past couple of weeks, I hear more stories from friends of how some of their friends are also facing the same situation - caught in this dilemma of having to cope with ‘under-performing spouses’. The Cantonese has this saying of ‘loi yann umm pah koon, chui pah ka choh long’. Meaning ‘Woman has no fear of poverty, just fear of marrying the wrong man’. And it is so true.



There’s story of this lady, ‘Swen’ that has to cope with her husband that laze around the house, with no motivation to chase for sales (he’s in sales line). Sleeping on the couch every noon in front of the kids, which is not a good example. Kids be growing up thinking that women are the ones that are working, rushing around from sending kids to school, to cooking, household chores, not to mention working. Good thing is that Swen’s working in sales, which gives her flexibility. And then there’s ‘Jinny’, who has to put up with husband asking her for money. Where he could have tried harder to chase to business. But he didn’t because his wife is working and if there’s always money when he needs it.

To these husbands, life is good. There’s security of a home. Food is ready on table. There’s always cold drinks or snacks in the fridge. Children are there to call him Dad without him having to support them. And if need of any cash, just ask the wife. Or in one of the case, the husband just took cash from her purse without even asking her. I am so disgusted with that idea.

So what has happened to the conservative, traditional Asian men that have traditionally being bringing home the doug whilst the wives stayed home to tend to the family. And these same Asian men are the ones that are telling the wife that ‘she has no right to question him where he goes as long he brings home the doug’. These Asian men that considers themselves as the ‘King of the Home’, that when he said ‘one’, no one dares say ‘two’. Is that just a ‘myth’ now?

As for the women, how did all this come about? Why do women have to put up with this? Are women to blame for just letting it happen? For just accepting it? No, I think it’s because of the way Asian women are been bought up. From young, Asian family inculcated in their daughter to always put their family first. That daughter has to always look after the family face value. That ‘divorce’ will bring shame to the family. And ultimately, it’s because Asian women somehow still do not believe in divorce when the kids are young. Despite all the education and the Western influence, Asian women somehow still do not believe in single parenthood. That’s why most Asian women will endure till their kids are grown. If by then, they aren’t already been reduced to an unhappy, depressed, unhealthy, old woman. Will it be too late then?

Christmas Story

It's Christmas Eve. Christmas always seems to evoke a sentimental feeling in me. I feel for things more, I get teary more easily. Christmas or sentimental type of songs gets me emotional. Why is it so? I still can't really find the answer; maybe it’s the tune of the Christmas song...so touching and so sentimental.

I grew up with the conditioning of a Chinese conservative family where Christmas is kind of unheard of. Maybe it's was then in the early 80s and we were living in a village. I only knew of Christmas after I married and have kids of my own.

I remember the surprise and astonishment it brings to my parents when they saw that I had Christmas tree at home and had presents for them. It was unheard off, coming from a Taoism tradition. And soon it becomes a tradition that I would put up Christmas tree and have Christmas presents for them and the kids. But the gesture is never reciprocal. Is it a Chinese thing or is it just my family thing that my sisters didn't get the idea to buy presents in return? And so it continues with me taking the lead each year. It's not the presents that matter but it's just the joy of giving and receiving. It's the thought that counts and not so much the value of the present.

And amongst friends, it's actually the surprise on what's in the box as Christmas is somehow a time when you actually would buy present that you know your love ones, your family, or your friends will like. I remembered last year, my friend from Perth asked me what is my favorite color. Honestly I told her it's black...thinking that it's probably negligee she's thinking off. And what a big surprise when she bought me a 'humungous black vibrator' in the shape of a penis of course :-). But don't get me wrong here; I still am not quite sure why my friend would think I need this humungous black vibrator though!

Now that the kids are big, I somehow have lost the interest to put up Christmas tree at home. And we moved on to celebrate it as a party with exchanging of presents of course!

Care to share any of your own Christmas story?

Merry Christmas. Wishing each and every one of you and your family a Blessed Christmas.