I remember a posting that I did dated Sept 12, 2009, titled ‘Asian Women’s Resilience to Adversity’. There I wrote about ‘Cathy’ who had to cope with a husband that has not been working for past 8 years. And how she has then been working to support the whole family whilst the husband continues to enjoy a stress free life, just ‘lepak’ around whilst the wife is slogging away.
And since then, over the past couple of weeks, I hear more stories from friends of how some of their friends are also facing the same situation - caught in this dilemma of having to cope with ‘under-performing spouses’. The Cantonese has this saying of ‘loi yann umm pah koon, chui pah ka choh long’. Meaning ‘Woman has no fear of poverty, just fear of marrying the wrong man’. And it is so true.
There’s story of this lady, ‘Swen’ that has to cope with her husband that laze around the house, with no motivation to chase for sales (he’s in sales line). Sleeping on the couch every noon in front of the kids, which is not a good example. Kids be growing up thinking that women are the ones that are working, rushing around from sending kids to school, to cooking, household chores, not to mention working. Good thing is that Swen’s working in sales, which gives her flexibility. And then there’s ‘Jinny’, who has to put up with husband asking her for money. Where he could have tried harder to chase to business. But he didn’t because his wife is working and if there’s always money when he needs it.
To these husbands, life is good. There’s security of a home. Food is ready on table. There’s always cold drinks or snacks in the fridge. Children are there to call him Dad without him having to support them. And if need of any cash, just ask the wife. Or in one of the case, the husband just took cash from her purse without even asking her. I am so disgusted with that idea.
So what has happened to the conservative, traditional Asian men that have traditionally being bringing home the doug whilst the wives stayed home to tend to the family. And these same Asian men are the ones that are telling the wife that ‘she has no right to question him where he goes as long he brings home the doug’. These Asian men that considers themselves as the ‘King of the Home’, that when he said ‘one’, no one dares say ‘two’. Is that just a ‘myth’ now?
As for the women, how did all this come about? Why do women have to put up with this? Are women to blame for just letting it happen? For just accepting it? No, I think it’s because of the way Asian women are been bought up. From young, Asian family inculcated in their daughter to always put their family first. That daughter has to always look after the family face value. That ‘divorce’ will bring shame to the family. And ultimately, it’s because Asian women somehow still do not believe in divorce when the kids are young. Despite all the education and the Western influence, Asian women somehow still do not believe in single parenthood. That’s why most Asian women will endure till their kids are grown. If by then, they aren’t already been reduced to an unhappy, depressed, unhealthy, old woman. Will it be too late then?
I don't mind marrying a man who earn lesser than me or who doesn't have anything in terms of a good career or financially sound. Don't mind the poverty but don't ever take us (women) for granted and do not take advantage on us (women).
ReplyDeleteIs not easy to know if you would have married the right man or a wrong man. You only know that he is a good man and love him very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him and want to marry him. They could changed before and after marriage. Time could only tell.
As a woman we don't need to put up with this type of tolerance of a husband who very much relying on the wife to support the family and for him just being lazy day to day in which he could be doing and helping out to make it a better life style.
Woman today have to start learning to be strong in fighting the fear of being alone esp when they are so use to be with the partner and if we are not being treated the right way, is not worth being with him, we got to move on with our life without him. We don't need such a baggage to be with.
Most women today have good working skills, has been very independent, you and your children (if you have kids) could move on without him and have a good lifestyle as you have already been supporting the family by yourself.
Is a very beautiful Asian culture that has taught us how to value the family first and importance of marriage but if we women were not treated the right way we should never tolerate with such behaviour of a lazy husband. Unless if the both of you have such agreement that she will work and he will be the house husband.