To Stay or Not to Stay in a Marriage

I received this sms message from my girlfriend, Annie three months ago.

“Last nite was a horrible evening
My son was in the clinic coz his father hit him so hard on the stomach
He uses my son guitar stand to hit my son. The stand is solid wood
I wasn't home at that time
When I found out.. I told him that I'm moving out very soon n my lawyer will see him for a separations n divorce
It was bad nite!
No one will be hurt further
I may ned help from my gal frens
But now I will start packing my son first
Then I focus to start work @ABC Company
Then on weekends I will start packing bit by bit”

This is not the first time that Annie’s husband, father to their son, had hit the son. In fact, he had even tried to hit her before but she was smart to block it and threaten him on it. It was a smart move as in most cases, once a husband had laid their hands on the wife, the husband will always do that thereafter whenever he’s angry. So because the husband can’t lay his hands on her, she thinks that he is turning his anger on their son.

At that time of this sms, Annie was all ready to pack her bags. She started consulting to all her friends. Asked lawyer for advice. Even looked around for a place to stay with her son.

She told the husband that she is leaving. He pleaded with her and promised her that it will never happen again. Their son too, is forgiving; after all it’s the father.

So now it’s already three months and Annie is still living in the same house. She has cleared out a storeroom in the house and made it her room now. So now she and husband is sleeping in separate room. She is not happy but she has chosen to remain as husband and wife to the eyes of the outsiders.

Why?

We can all only ask the question. But only Annie knows why she had stay on.

I wrote this now as I just had a chat with another girlfriend, Sally. Sally also wanted to leave her husband many times already. However, in Sally’s case, it wasn’t physical abuse. It was a case of an irresponsible husband that couldn’t keep a job. Now the husband is just lazing around at home.

Sally is tried of being the responsible breadwinner of a household of 3 young children. Her husband too, pleaded with her to give him another chance. And that he will find a job within a month. But Sally has no confidence as she knew that even though he finds a job, he will not keep his job for long, like all the many times before.
In this case, Sally is very determined to leave.

Amongst us three friends, we had split opinion if Sally should stay or not to stay.

Why Stay?

Ultimately children bear the brunt of all divorces. If the divorce ends amicably then it would not affect the children so much as both parents are still on talking terms where children’s welfare are concerned.

But if the divorce ends in quarrel then the children will be affected where they’ll be caught emotionally in between two parents that they loved.

Moreover with Sally, it’s not that the husband is abusive or that they are quarrelling ever so often. Sally even admitted that they still share the same bed and continues to be intimate when the need arises.

To Sally, it is more a case of her getting angry that the husband is not doing what he should be doing! Be the breadwinner of the family. Angry and tired that she is always the one to be planning ahead for the family, to be the one to think of the future.

To stay would mean that it’s only Sally that is unhappy. To stay means that it is Sally sacrificing her own happiness for the sake of giving her children a complete family with father and mother together. Moreover, her youngest son is still young and is attach to the father.

Why Not to Stay?

Sally felt that she has given more than enough chances to the husband. She feels that he will continue to give broken promises and will continue to not take his role as the breadwinner seriously as each time she stays back after threatening to leave.

And Sally with the family has just moved in to live with her in-law to cut down the financial expenses since her in-law is staying alone. She can see that her youngest son is getting attach to the grandmother.

Sally knew that divorcing now means that the husband will not ask for any financial compensation as the husband is still financially capable of taking care of himself.

Hence, Sally feels that she should speed up the divorce now while he still has financial means to take care of himself versus when he is broke and will demand compensation from her later.

So which is the right decision?

To me, I feel that to stay or not to stay in a marriage is not for a friend to advice as her advice is only based on the situation that was told.

But in reality, only Sally knows the depth of her feelings of hurt, disappointment and unhappiness.

Only Sally knows that if she stays, can she continue to bear the burden, take the unhappiness, and be the sacrificial lamb, in return for the fulfillment of an intact family for the children?

And if she decides to not stay, is she strong enough to take up the long process of divorce filing, quarrels and maybe ugly scenes? Can she take the challenge of being a single parent to her three children, all by herself?

Sally needs to weight the pros and cons of staying or leaving. To think of the consequences of either decision.


So for Annie, 'maybe' it's a case of living with the known than the unknown.

Life is Short! Don't Wait!

A most shocking news came in this morning. My long time ex-colleague, Foo just passed away last night in New Zealand. How? Because of a stroke!

Foo

He was a healthy man, in his fifties. I followed his activities on Facebook, pictures of him enjoying nature outing trips with family and friends, always looking fit and healthy. And now he’s gone, forever, just like that!

I was glad that I made time to meet up with him with few other ex-colleagues when he came back to Kuala Lumpur recently. This time round, he shared so much with us, on how he moved to New Zealand, the little hardship he faces initially and how it had all paid off. And he was still the same good old jovial Foo.

Rest in peace Foo. May God Bless your Soul. My deepest condolences to your family. They are blessed with a good husband and a good father.

Dad
This news of death brings back memories of all the deaths that had happened recently since my Dad who passed away in December 2013.

(Dad. In his 20s)

My Dad was 85 years old. He was having all the usual old age sickness. By the time, he passed on, he was just lying in bed, unable to walk. All of us - my mom, my sisters, and nieces were all helping in feeding and cleaning him. His mind was still alert and that was the most painful. Knowing that he now can’t walk and move about like he used to makes him irritated sometimes. Especially when he had to depend on others for every little things. Hence, at his age, maybe it was a blessing that he passed on finally.

I don’t have regrets of my Dad passing on as we children had all taken care of him well during his living days. Travel, good food, celebrations at home with family, with his favorite - his grandkids. And Dad enjoys it all.

He had traveled many times to China, his favorite destination. Most importantly he had visited his father’s birthplace - Eng Choon or better known as Yong Chun in Fujian.

My most vivid memory of Dad was I standing beside him at his mahjong table in the village coffee shop. I must be just about aged 6 or 7 years old. I will always looked at the amount of chips he had and if there’s a lot of chips I will whisper to Dad for money to buy sweets. And he will always happily gave to me when he is winning.

Dad, rest in peace. I am happy that we, children had done what we should do – taking care of you at your old age.
Wherever you are, may you have already had a good rebirth.
We love you Dad. Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu.

Cousin Brother - Kim Kui
2 months after my Dad passed away, my cousin sister’s husband, Kim Kui passed away too. He was in his 60s. He was all healthy till he had a sudden mild heart attack where he discovered he had a clogged artery in his heart. Doing a simple operation saved him – a laser blast to unblocked his clogged artery. But somehow after a week or two, he relapsed and he passed away. His too, was most unexpected. My memory of him was when he was a young man in his 20s. He was then pursuing my cousin sister. We as kids were in the advantage as he took care of us well since he was chasing after my cousin sister. He too was a nice jovial guy. My cousin sister, Ah Lian was blessed as he loves her till the end. May God Bless Him. May he Rest In Peace. Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu.

Kow Khim

Just last Saturday, September 13, I attended my Kow Khim’s (9th Aunty) funeral. Her’s too was a sudden death. My aunty was 76 years old. She was my mother’s brother’s wife. She has being having problems with her legs, her spine. But she was still walking and I would say, still healthy.

My memories of my Kow Khim are of her always asking me to eat. My parents worked very hard to feed us. Hence, Mom was too busy to cook. As such I would go to my maternal Grandfather’s house after school for my lunch. In those days, it was a Chinese custom to have few sons living in the same house, despite being married and with kids. Hence, my Grandfather’s house had four of his sons living there with their wives and children. And my memory is always this nice aunty hovering around us kids, making sure that we kids eat.

I was glad that I visited Kow Khim with my mom on a Sunday, just a week before the Moon Cake Festival. Every year I would buy her a box of moon cake. I remember she was her courteous self, always wanting to serve us tea. Always asking if we had our meals. It’s a traditional Chinese custom to always ask, ‘Have you eaten?’ whenever a guest comes to the house. I think it was due to the fact that China in those olden days was very poor. Hence, the polite way of always asking ‘Have you eaten?’

My last memory of Kow Khim was she sitting on a high stool, cooking noodles for his eldest son that Sunday. She was very happy, telling us that his son is coming back to eat. She reconfirms the fact that parents will also be parents no matter how old their children has grown.

Rest in Peace Kow Khim. You have left behind a great legacy of sons and daughters, grandsons and granddaughters, all loving you. You would already have a good rebirth for all your kind-heartedness. Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu.

TO ALL
With all these recent deaths, it just meant that:

Life is short. Life is too Short.
We should not take life for granted.
We should not think that we would always have tomorrow.
Wherever possible, make time for your loved ones.
Especially your Parents.
Understandable that we all have to make a living.
But if our Parents can be there anytime for us when we were young.
Can we not at least be there for them, if not every day but at least once a week?
And if children are living far away, call and talk to them at least once a week.

Lastly, say a Prayer of THANK YOU every morning for having another Beautiful Day. God Bless Us All.

Where has the time gone?

When I reactivated my blog, I told myself I have to write a new post at least once a week and consistently post it every Thursday so that my fans have time to read during the weekend and hopefully as time goes by, will look out to reading my blog every weekend. And so I did for the past 3 blogs. But this week, the time seems to fly by and I missed my Thursday posting.

And thus, I asked myself, ‘Where has time gone?’

When I started to think of this phrase, I recalled that most of my friends think the same. And these phrases seems to repeat itself whenever we meet:
• Where has the time gone?
• Times seems to fly!
• Don’t you think time seems to pass by faster these days?
• Is it because we are older that time passes so fast?
• I don’t seem to have enough time!

Or gosh,
• It’s September already!
• It’s 4th quarter of the year soon!
• Christmas is coming round the corner again!
• Chinese New Year is just 5 months away!

Then I thought of my younger days. Time seems to pass so very slowly. I remember how I waited for school holiday to start. And how when school holiday comes, each day seems to pass so slowly although I am having great time with my friends. Then we waited for so long for Chinese New Year, eagerly looking forward to wearing new dress, eating the once a year cookies and receiving ang pows from our parents, grandparents, aunties and uncles.

So how is it so that time seems to fly faster now that we are older?

I think it’s because of these 4 reasons:

(1) Counting the days when we were younger
Don’t you all agree that we count down the days when we were younger? We were more focused on time, on days of the week. We count the days to the test, count the days to the school break, and count the days to the school excursions that we are going to.

(2) Less attention to time when we are older
But now as we age, we are more focused on our family life, our friends, our activities, our chores, our duties, our holiday plans…the lists are endless. As a result we don’t notice the passage of time. We work on our list of chores continuously that by noon or by end day, we’ll look at the time and ask, “Gosh, where has the time gone? It’s lunchtime already!”

(3) Anticipating something slows down the time
Yes, when we anticipate good things, e.g. a holiday, the time seems to pass slower. Again, it’s because we start counting the days!

(4) Too much to do causes stress and speeds up time
I totally agreed to this. When there’s a list of tasks to do within a given timeline, I always felt stress. Stress because I started worrying that I don’t have enough time to do it. As a result I felt that time seems to pass so fast as I keep thinking I still have so much to do and I don’t have enough time.

So in concluding, it’s not that time is passing faster now that we are older. But it’s just that now that we are older, we have more responsibilities, we have extended families, and we have more friends...which means more activities. Thus always feeling that there’s just not enough time to complete our chores, our responsibilities, not to mention catching up with our families, relatives, school mates, colleagues, friends, etc.

Whilst these feelings are inescapable, we should just go with the flow. Take time to slow down in the midst of our chores. Take time to be aware of what you are really doing at that precise moment instead of rushing through. Pause to look closely at the trees, at the leaves, at the flowers. When you are with your family, relations, friends, etc. take time to be with them, to enjoy their company.

So rest assured that the next time you look at the clock, the time that you sees is just working fine, and it’s the same time, be it when you were younger or older!

DO YOU ALL NOT AGREE?

THANK YOU to 'Sweet Kisses & Dirty Dishes' and 'Calvin & Hobbes' for the images.

Life Lessons Quotes

Good day to all. Whenever I have these vibes that negative feelings are arising in me, I would start reading these motivating life lessons quotes. It had never fails to leaves me feeling positive, feeling good of myself as I know I do as much as possible practice all these life lessons that are preached here. I like to share to all of you too and I hope that after reading these quotes, it would help you all too whenever you need some guidance to feeling motivated, positive and good of yourself.

I want to thanks Regina Brett for this 'Life Lessons'. Here's her original link.
http://www.reginabrett.com/life_lessons.php

Happiness is the True Wealth

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19.. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy clothes. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

THANK YOU to http://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/work-and-office